Its Christmas Eve.
This evening was wonderful. Having dinner with family and friends, watching everyone opening their pre Santa presents, it seemed like the “old days.”
Maybe I’m lucky to even have had “old days”?
Maybe some people don’t ever?
Or maybe there was never really “old days” after all, and maybe I was just making lemonade from lemons?
I really don’t know anymore.
Maybe the past has slipped into the present, so now there are new days?
Eventually life goes on, if we are lucky.
Misty wasn’t. Rick wasn’t.
I think about them a lot.
Oftentimes I’m depressed.
But that’s for good reason.
At least now I don’t have anxiety.
I never used to have anxiety.
Then, from the drugs, the doctor’s stalking and terrorizing me, and having Kevin Boileau rape me, too, I became nothing BUT anxiety.
I’ll bet before the internet superhighway people did not ever recover. How could they when there was nobody to turn to in their physical sphere? Surely they could not.
I’m glad I was resourceful to find tools to help myself out and away from the bad ones.
Now twice in two weeks I have had a wonderful time. Times like the old days, much poorer financially but a lot wiser, too.
Is the wisdom worth what I’ve gone through? No.
I was always a good person. Even when I was poor before I became financially secure, I was a good person. I gave time and money to unfortunate people.
So, as it goes, I’m not a better person for what they have done to me that I’ve survived.
Even, as far as understanding evil goes, I already knew evil.
When Kevin Boileau asked me if he’d answered my questions from class even today I can say with a whole heart that he didn’t show me anything that I didn’t already know.
Talk about Kevin, how funny it is that a man who excited me so much in order to take control of me, just last night I was listening to his (public) interview with intimacy consultant Lori Brisbey (?) and while listening I fell to sleep!
I expected this morning to wake up with anxiety about listening to what I did of that interview, but I didn’t.
In the evening, over dinner, I did have a little bit of anxiety. But I think it was “normal” anxiety to meeting someone new and, I don’t know, maybe just a little left over anxiety. Its hard to tell.
But I think my anxiety days are pretty much over, and I really am back to “normal.”
I know I’ve been saying for a long time that I am back to normal, but I was saying that to encourage myself to keep on going, to keep on fighting. The little engine that could. And did. That’s me.
It can be you, too.
Maybe it can be even if you don’t know who it is that is stalking and mind fucking you. I don’t know for sure, though. Because a) I knew and b) Misty and Rick didn’t survive.
I don’t say that to discourage anyone.
I say it because I don’t know.
Maybe it doesn’t matter if you don’t know?
Hopefully it only matters that you know what “they” are doing to you is real.
Hopefully what I’ve shared about how I’ve kept my head (sort of) will help you, too, or someone you know who is going through this, to keep their head.
Hopefully if someone you know, your family member or loved one, is being put through this then now you understand that it is REAL!
Always let them know what they are going through is REAL!
Even if you don’t think it is, they need to know it is.
If you don’t, they may not get through it.
My Mom, after she figured out (even after the Ambien) that they really were messing with me encouraged me, believed in me.
Your believing can make the difference between their life and death.
Now, in this chapter, I am going to post a simple article about narcissism. I think it will be helpful to anyone who doesn’t understand to understand.
Also I want to say that I don’t know if, financially, I’ll ever recover. But I can’t worry about that. It is what it is. I can only take one day at a time. I really don’t have the energy anymore to financially rebuild. I will continue the battle with the courts that did me such an injustice. I’m not going to let them get by with that. Maybe I’ll just being doing it for people’s futures. Maybe I will get something out of it. Its hard to say. But, either way, I think its worthwhile to attack. I really do hope to get a couple (at least) judges to resign for their corruption.
In the future I’ll write the chapter on our loving our rapist.
Because I really didn’t understand what Kevin was talking about with Lori, maybe I’ll go back to revisit that. Maybe I won’t. I’m just not sure. ….oh yah, right! Like I won’t, huh? Yes, I’ll revisit it. If it turns out to be evil, as Kevin can be evil we know, then it will go over my head. Thank God! If it turns out Kevin, through Lori, has made a turn about (which I doubt) then that will be interesting to listen to. All in all he’s rather fascinating to me because he’s do fucked up in the head. hahaha! And now I can handle that he is. I wasn’t ready to handle it before. That’s why I told him to leave me alone. Probably as fucked up as he is I’d never be able to handle it. But, I’ll check it out again. Or maybe not. Either way, I’m just glad to see that I’m handling things and I don’t think they can hurt me again no matter what I do.
Here is the article about narcissists. I’ll post it with a warning that there are ones even worst than narcissists.
Remember….I love you.